


Not Quite May

by GinnyK



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s04e21 Life on Mars, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Post-epLife on Mars





	Not Quite May

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

I can't believe I just said that to Joe. I know he wasn't smirking. But it just sort of slipped out. I just need, I need to get out of here for a few minutes before I do something or say something I'm going to regret. 

"I'm going to go outside for a few minutes," I mutter in the direction of CJ. She stops short and grabs my arm as I knew she would. 

"Josh," she says, speaking volumes without uttering anything more than my name. 

"I'm fine,” CJ snorts, not real lady-like if you ask me. "I just need....I need some air. I'm going to walk around the block." 

"Do you want me to send Donna out?" 

"No." Please no, I don't need her worrying about me anymore than she already does. 

"OK, then I'm going with you." 

"Toby," I say as I look at him with what I can only imagine is a completely pathetic look, "Can you...would you..." 

"I'll go talk to Donna. I'll tell her what's going on and see if she can clear some time for you, get you something to eat." 

"Thanks." 

CJ and I head outside after a quick stop at the water fountain so I can splash some water on my face. 

*************** 

We walk around the block and by the time we get back to the entrance to the West Wing I feel a little better, a little more in control. The cool night air and the three pieces of hard candy seem to have helped. CJ leaves me at Donna's desk and heads for her office. Through the blinds of my office, or as Donna calls it lately, our office, I can see Toby lean over and give Donna a kiss on the forehead before he heads towards me. I pull myself together as best I can. Toby walks out of our office, closing the door behind him. 

"She's ok. She's worried about you." 

"Great," I mutter. 

"Josh, let her help you," Toby suggests as he heads back to the Communications bullpen. I nod and push myself off the desk. Taking a deep breath I run my fingers through my hair and head for my office. I'm not sure what I'm going to do or say. Part of me wants to be strong, to take Donna into my arms and hold her, telling her everything will be ok. (Even though I can't promise that) Another part wants to collapse in her arms and have her tell me the same thing. Neither of those parts win out as I push the door open. I settle for flashing a weak smile and fishing two pieces of candy out of my pocket and handing Donna one. 

She accepts it with a small smile of her own as moves from where she had been standing by the window to take a seat on the floor in front of my desk. I push a chair out of the way, close the door and join her on the floor. I have three chairs in my office, yet we always seem to end up down here. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I stretch out my legs and lean back against the desk, closing my eyes. 

"For what?" asks Donna as she takes my hand. 

"For letting Toby tell you. I should have been the one. I should have been the one to tell you about this, about the MS, about...." 

She silences me with a finger pressed to my lips. "Don't, it's ok. I already know the answer to this, but I'll ask it anyway. Are you ok?" 

"No. But I don't know if I have a right to feel this way." 

"What way is that?" 

"Betrayed," I mutter as I bend my knees and pull them to my chest. 

"You have every right to feel that way." 

I just shrug my shoulders. I'm not convinced that I do have a right to feel betrayed. Donna moves to kneel in front of me, one hand on my knee, the other tipping up my chin so I meet her eyes. "Josh, you have every right to feel betrayed by this. You worked for the man for how long? He's the Vice President of your country. As an ordinary citizen you have a right to feel betrayed." 

"I know. I guess it's nothing compared to how The President feels. I guess he was the most betrayed in this whole mess." 

Donna sits back on her heels and looks at me with the look I've come to call the "YOU'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING RATHER IMPORTANT LOOK" And the light bulb goes off over my head. 

"Suzanne and the kids," I sigh as I close my eyes. 

"Yeah, they were the most betrayed. And it might not have been the smartest move politically to resign but he did was he thought was best for his family. And that has to be worth something. I respect him for his decision." 

"I guess I didn't think of it that way. I suppose not having a wife and kids makes things easier in this place." Donna nods and smiles. "But that doesn't mean I don't want that someday." With you, I add silently. "I guess I should be used to this by now," a tired bitterness creeping into my voice. 

"OK, I can't do this here and now, let's go," Donna announces as she kisses my forehead before standing up. Apparently she's not going to allow me to wallow in....whatever I'm about to wallow in, at least not now. 

"Go where?" 

"To get you something to eat. You haven't eaten since lunch and you're on the verge of doing a very good imitation of cranky toddler." 

I snort but let her pull me to my feet anyway. The Mess is pretty busy for this time of night but we find a quiet corner to hide. I pick at my sandwich while Donna inhales her food and starts in on my fries. 

"OK, I've had enough food. I can listen to you vent now," she says with a little grin. 

"It's just, once upon a time I had faith in John Hoynes, I used to think he was the real thing. I guess I was wrong." 

"You weren't wrong. He was the real thing, for a while. And then you met Jed Bartlet and things changed." 

"Yeah. But sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if I had stayed with Hoynes' campaign. Would he have won?" 

"If he had listened to you he would have," Donna says with a sincere smile. 

"You know, I told him that once. The afternoon before...before the thing at Rosslyn." She nods and reaches for a fry. We've had this conversation before, at the foot of Abraham Lincoln, I think. 

"It just seems so many of my relationships fall into two categories. Those with people who leave me and those with people who betray me," Donna starts to say something but I hold up my hand, I need to get this out, to give voice to what I'm feeling. "I mean, I'm used to the everyday backstabbing that goes on around, it comes with living in the Beltway, but in the past two years I've been, we've been, betrayed by the two most powerful people in this nation. How does the country get past that? How do I get past that?" I really thought I was over feeling betrayed about the whole MS crap, apparently not. I put my head in my hands for a minute as I will myself to keep it together. 

"Josh, come on, let's get some air," Donna says as she picks up my Snapple. 

"So when am I supposed to stop feeling this way?" I mutter as I push the door open and we step out into the cool, crisp air. Donna steers me into the direction of the Washington Monument. She lets me brood for while as we walk past the ellipse and up the hill. She steers us towards a bench when we reach the monument. I let her fuss over me, she rubs my back and in general tries to make me relax and feel better. "I thought I was past this. It's been two years already." 

"Josh, I think everything is just coming back to the surface. You've had a rough few days. Someone fired shots at the building, the Vice President is about to resign, you feel betrayed and hurt. And it's almost...you know." 

"Yeah, it's almost May. And what terrific memories May holds for me..Rosslyn, the MS scandal, Mrs. Landingham, Simon, now this." I snort as I get up to pace around. Donna lets me be for a minute, she doesn't get up off the bench until I stop and lean back against the monument. I look past her and gaze at the Lincoln Memorial. She stops in front of me and smiles weakly. My hands wind up on her shoulders as her hand reaches out to brush back my hair. I lean forward enough to rest my forehead against hers. Donna reaches inside my suit jacket, her long slender fingers running lightly over my ribcage searching for the scar from the bullet. Her fingers move gently over puckered skin. It's an intimate feeling but it's not sexual, if that makes any sense. It's just us making a connection. "Promise me something?" 

"Sure," she whispers, her breath tickling my face. 

"Promise me you won't fall into one of those two categories." 

"I will do my best Joshua, I promise." 

THE END  



End file.
